iAssholes

In case you haven’t noticed, there’s a nifty little device that has taken the world by storm in recent years and it’s called an “iPod.” Now before I go off the handle (I’m sure you could’ve guessed I was pissed from the title), I want you all to know that I love this device. I’ve owned more than one, including the iTouch, which is easily the coolest gadget I’ve ever owned (next to my Prostate Massager/Dan’s middle finger). No, this article is not going to focus on the iPod itself, but a class of mindless fucking iPod users that I refer to as “iAssholes.”

With this article I’m going to express what locations and situations I feel it is acceptable or unacceptable to be completely engulfed in your iPod. I’ll go ahead and quickly list a few places I feel it is 100 percent normal to listen to an iPod. On a plane, or other form of public transportation, walking, running, in your home, weddings, etc… If you are a sensible person (I’m sure you are, if you’re reading this blog), then you can probably distinguish between acceptable and unacceptable places. However, I’m here to inform you that there are people out there who can’t. Let’s start with one of my most recent encounters with an iAsshole…

About a week ago, I was at the gas station filling up my tank (not really filling it up, fuck that, what am I made of money?), and a white car pulls up to the pump next to me. Now as the car made its approach to the pump the first thing I noticed was the driver was female. But very next thing I noticed was the driver was… blonde (sorry, I’m a guy). The third thing I realized was the white strings streaming down both sides of the driver’s face. Fuck my anus. I watched as the female (probably between 18 and 22), shut off her engine, reach down to her center console, and eventually pull the iPod ear buds out of her ears. I nearly shit. This girl was driving with her iPod on. You’ve got to be kidding me. What could possibly be more unsafe then driving with one of your senses completely overwhelmed by, I’m assuming by the look of this girl, shitty music? Now, when I drive, I listen to my music loud, but there are important things I can still hear over my stereo. Some examples? A fucking car horn, engine problems, beautiful women yelling at me to see their breasts, etc… All of which I’m sure I would miss if I had my iPod in my ears. Then I got to thinking, what would possess someone to listen to their iPod while driving? Do they not like the radio? Burn a CD. No CD player? Use one of those adapters for your tape deck. No tape deck? Go fuck yourself. At the very least listen to the radio. Maybe this girl just wanted to look cool, but I definitely thought she looked cool enough with her Paris Hilton oversized fucking sunglasses (that was sarcasm, sluts, those sunglasses are stupid). The only almost logical case I can see for listening to your iPod while driving is if you have no stereo system in your car, or blown speakers. In which case, I, and I’m sure most other drivers with half a brain, would fix before pulling this ridiculous stunt. Now, maybe someone could make an argument for using an iPod while driving on a long boring highway as a way of staying awake if they had no speakers in their car, to which I would respond “Buy an energy drink, you asshole”, as I’m sure this isn’t a common problem for people, and was not the case for the gas station slut (it was a relatively urban area). Now as I’ve started thinking about this, Dan has informed me that driving with headphones may be illegal and is, in fact, illegal in some states. Now, I doubt it’s illegal in New Hampshire (live free or die), but it definitely should be. I could’ve researched a little bit, but fuck that. Anyways, there’s not much more I can say about this subject, other than driving with your iPod blasting in your ears is fuckin' stupid. Oh, and I hope that whore gets date-raped and impregnated for endangering the lives of others on the road.

Next, I’d like to take this journey off the road and into the gym. Let me start by saying, I have no problems with iPods at the gym. In fact, when I go to the gym alone, I have my iPod on throughout my workout. The keyword in the previous sentence is alone. The other day, I was at the gym and I noticed a good looking girl (about 5’5”, 105 lbs, large B to a small C-cup, tight ass, tan, medium-long brown hair, overall great body) working out with her boyfriend (complete douche, backwards hat, wind pants, wife beater, tribal tattoos on both arms, livestrong bracelet, you get the idea). Anyways, I noticed both had iPods on. Wow, was I shocked. Now I understand music can get you a little pumped up while you’re working out, but I think the advantages of having someone to work out with outweigh any benefits from using an iPod. Regardless, I watched as the two struggled to communicate with each other during their sets using a bunch of confusing and asinine hand gestures. I honestly doubt that having the iPod on constantly was worth the awkward pain in the ass the lack of communication caused. But I’m sure that just summed up their relationship… Nothing more than two people trying to look good. But hey, good for him, he’s floppin’ a hot chick. Anyways, I hope his balls shrivel from steroid use and he beats his girlfriend because of it. If you’re going to use your iPod at the gym, workout alone.

Lastly, I’ve seen people with their iPods on in the mall. Now this doesn’t make me nearly as mad as the previous two scenarios, but it makes me feel weird enough to give mention in this article. I know I’d feel a little awkward walking into stores with an iPod on. So, I’ll say I feel the mall, grocery stores or any other stores should be off limits. Here’s how I plan on dealing with these cocksuckers: From now on if I see someone walking through Wal*Mart with an iPod on I’m going to make sure I stop them to ask them a question, I suggest you do the same. Now this question won’t be anything important, but it’ll make the douche bag wearing the headphones either pull their ear buds out, or pause the iPod. Now I know this isn’t going to solve anything… and it might not even work, but I’m just hoping to frustrate the prick a bit, I know I hate taking my ear buds in and out constantly. Wouldn’t you be pissed if I made you pull out your ear buds in the store to ask when the new Nickelback album is out? With the above question I’m assuming A: You listen to shitty music, and B: You’re a big enough fan of the shitty band to know their studio schedule. You’d be insulted! Enough questions like these and the person is sure to stop. I think this would work especially good in line at the checkout. Ask a question like the above, and as soon as they get their music going again, ask another one. Always make the question about awful music or ask if you can see their iPod, that’ll put them in an awkward situation and I bet they stop bringing it to the store. These people clearly want to be ignored, so do them a favor and give them some extra attention. Unless you’re an iPod salesman, or mannequin, don’t wear your iPod headphones in the store. If you are one of these people, I wish nothing short of meth-addiction upon you.

Well that completes my list for now. I’m almost sure there will be an “iAssholes part II.” These people will probably never learn and I’m sure they’ll come up with more retarded places to use their iPods. Remember people: when you’re wearing your iPod, you’re still a member of society, so don’t act like a dipshit. Beware that anytime you’re engaging in one of the above scenarios, people look down upon you. And if you’re one of these people who just “don’t care” what people think about your iPod habits, you all should, in the word’s of Mrs. Finkle “die of gonorrhea and rot in hell.”

Bye for now,

-Eric