Text Message From Dan

In case you haven't done so already, read the post just before this one. What I'm about to share is Dan's response to the text message I sent him, which was shared in the previous post. He found that text message quite amusing... Amusing enough that he responded with the following:

Text Message Received from Dan at Wed, Jul 30 12:36 am:

"I fucking lol'd my balls out of my pants and proceeded to play with them until I experienced my first scrotal stimulated orgasm."

-Eric

Text Message From Eric

Here's the setting. I'm at home on a regular Tuesday night. Nothing out of the ordinary is going on. I'm sipping a fine brandy whilst watching several naked women perform oral sex on each other in a very sophisticated daisy chain in my living room upon my 10'x12' bear skin rug. (Which I won in a gentlemen's challenge against world renowned political consultant James Carville.) Anyway, the night is dragging on and I'm really looking for something to break the monotony of the sound of simultaneous female orgasms and John 5 playing Heretic's Fork in the background. (Mr. Lowery regularly comes over to play guitar through my large array of NAU Engineering amplifiers.) Thankfully, my cellphone chimes. What's this? A text! Goodie! I flip open my phone with extreme fervor and am very pleased to find a message from my good buddy Eric. Little did I know that this text would have me laughing so hard I would proceed to topple into John 5. Who then falls face first onto one woman's crotch and gets his face stuck in a suction cup type seal for no less then two minutes. But that's a story for another night. The text that I read goes as follows:

Text Message Received from Eric at Tue, Jul 29 11:45 pm

"If having diarrhea was the same as producing great works of literature, they'd be calling me Shakespeare by now."

-Dan Fili

Text Message From Dan

I'd like to notify everyone that I was at work when I received this message. In case you are unaware, my job is 100% tech support, so I'm on the phone a lot. I was also on the phone when I received this message, causing me to burst out laughing in this guy's ear. A very awkward and unprofessional end to a phone call. Also, before I get to the message, if there's anything you don't understand about the message, I suggest you visit urbandictionary.com.

Text messaged from Dan, received July 14th 2008 - 10:43 pm:

"Do you think Dockers are the official pants of docking?"

- Eric

iAssholes

In case you haven’t noticed, there’s a nifty little device that has taken the world by storm in recent years and it’s called an “iPod.” Now before I go off the handle (I’m sure you could’ve guessed I was pissed from the title), I want you all to know that I love this device. I’ve owned more than one, including the iTouch, which is easily the coolest gadget I’ve ever owned (next to my Prostate Massager/Dan’s middle finger). No, this article is not going to focus on the iPod itself, but a class of mindless fucking iPod users that I refer to as “iAssholes.”

With this article I’m going to express what locations and situations I feel it is acceptable or unacceptable to be completely engulfed in your iPod. I’ll go ahead and quickly list a few places I feel it is 100 percent normal to listen to an iPod. On a plane, or other form of public transportation, walking, running, in your home, weddings, etc… If you are a sensible person (I’m sure you are, if you’re reading this blog), then you can probably distinguish between acceptable and unacceptable places. However, I’m here to inform you that there are people out there who can’t. Let’s start with one of my most recent encounters with an iAsshole…

About a week ago, I was at the gas station filling up my tank (not really filling it up, fuck that, what am I made of money?), and a white car pulls up to the pump next to me. Now as the car made its approach to the pump the first thing I noticed was the driver was female. But very next thing I noticed was the driver was… blonde (sorry, I’m a guy). The third thing I realized was the white strings streaming down both sides of the driver’s face. Fuck my anus. I watched as the female (probably between 18 and 22), shut off her engine, reach down to her center console, and eventually pull the iPod ear buds out of her ears. I nearly shit. This girl was driving with her iPod on. You’ve got to be kidding me. What could possibly be more unsafe then driving with one of your senses completely overwhelmed by, I’m assuming by the look of this girl, shitty music? Now, when I drive, I listen to my music loud, but there are important things I can still hear over my stereo. Some examples? A fucking car horn, engine problems, beautiful women yelling at me to see their breasts, etc… All of which I’m sure I would miss if I had my iPod in my ears. Then I got to thinking, what would possess someone to listen to their iPod while driving? Do they not like the radio? Burn a CD. No CD player? Use one of those adapters for your tape deck. No tape deck? Go fuck yourself. At the very least listen to the radio. Maybe this girl just wanted to look cool, but I definitely thought she looked cool enough with her Paris Hilton oversized fucking sunglasses (that was sarcasm, sluts, those sunglasses are stupid). The only almost logical case I can see for listening to your iPod while driving is if you have no stereo system in your car, or blown speakers. In which case, I, and I’m sure most other drivers with half a brain, would fix before pulling this ridiculous stunt. Now, maybe someone could make an argument for using an iPod while driving on a long boring highway as a way of staying awake if they had no speakers in their car, to which I would respond “Buy an energy drink, you asshole”, as I’m sure this isn’t a common problem for people, and was not the case for the gas station slut (it was a relatively urban area). Now as I’ve started thinking about this, Dan has informed me that driving with headphones may be illegal and is, in fact, illegal in some states. Now, I doubt it’s illegal in New Hampshire (live free or die), but it definitely should be. I could’ve researched a little bit, but fuck that. Anyways, there’s not much more I can say about this subject, other than driving with your iPod blasting in your ears is fuckin' stupid. Oh, and I hope that whore gets date-raped and impregnated for endangering the lives of others on the road.

Next, I’d like to take this journey off the road and into the gym. Let me start by saying, I have no problems with iPods at the gym. In fact, when I go to the gym alone, I have my iPod on throughout my workout. The keyword in the previous sentence is alone. The other day, I was at the gym and I noticed a good looking girl (about 5’5”, 105 lbs, large B to a small C-cup, tight ass, tan, medium-long brown hair, overall great body) working out with her boyfriend (complete douche, backwards hat, wind pants, wife beater, tribal tattoos on both arms, livestrong bracelet, you get the idea). Anyways, I noticed both had iPods on. Wow, was I shocked. Now I understand music can get you a little pumped up while you’re working out, but I think the advantages of having someone to work out with outweigh any benefits from using an iPod. Regardless, I watched as the two struggled to communicate with each other during their sets using a bunch of confusing and asinine hand gestures. I honestly doubt that having the iPod on constantly was worth the awkward pain in the ass the lack of communication caused. But I’m sure that just summed up their relationship… Nothing more than two people trying to look good. But hey, good for him, he’s floppin’ a hot chick. Anyways, I hope his balls shrivel from steroid use and he beats his girlfriend because of it. If you’re going to use your iPod at the gym, workout alone.

Lastly, I’ve seen people with their iPods on in the mall. Now this doesn’t make me nearly as mad as the previous two scenarios, but it makes me feel weird enough to give mention in this article. I know I’d feel a little awkward walking into stores with an iPod on. So, I’ll say I feel the mall, grocery stores or any other stores should be off limits. Here’s how I plan on dealing with these cocksuckers: From now on if I see someone walking through Wal*Mart with an iPod on I’m going to make sure I stop them to ask them a question, I suggest you do the same. Now this question won’t be anything important, but it’ll make the douche bag wearing the headphones either pull their ear buds out, or pause the iPod. Now I know this isn’t going to solve anything… and it might not even work, but I’m just hoping to frustrate the prick a bit, I know I hate taking my ear buds in and out constantly. Wouldn’t you be pissed if I made you pull out your ear buds in the store to ask when the new Nickelback album is out? With the above question I’m assuming A: You listen to shitty music, and B: You’re a big enough fan of the shitty band to know their studio schedule. You’d be insulted! Enough questions like these and the person is sure to stop. I think this would work especially good in line at the checkout. Ask a question like the above, and as soon as they get their music going again, ask another one. Always make the question about awful music or ask if you can see their iPod, that’ll put them in an awkward situation and I bet they stop bringing it to the store. These people clearly want to be ignored, so do them a favor and give them some extra attention. Unless you’re an iPod salesman, or mannequin, don’t wear your iPod headphones in the store. If you are one of these people, I wish nothing short of meth-addiction upon you.

Well that completes my list for now. I’m almost sure there will be an “iAssholes part II.” These people will probably never learn and I’m sure they’ll come up with more retarded places to use their iPods. Remember people: when you’re wearing your iPod, you’re still a member of society, so don’t act like a dipshit. Beware that anytime you’re engaging in one of the above scenarios, people look down upon you. And if you’re one of these people who just “don’t care” what people think about your iPod habits, you all should, in the word’s of Mrs. Finkle “die of gonorrhea and rot in hell.”

Bye for now,

-Eric

Go Green! Why Not? Everyone Else Is...

I’ve come notice that a majority of our society has, once again, taken something that starts off with good intentions and taken a proverbial shit on it. What I am referring to is the concept of going “green.” So, just sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride.

Going green. A term I’m sure most of us are very familiar with. The concept is simple, waste as little fossil fuels and other sources of energy as possible. Makes sense to me. If we make changes today, then we preserve tomorrow. But anyone who is familiar with America knows that the best idea is rarely the one that is adopted and used. There is, however, an exception to that rule.

The exception I am speaking of is the Celebrity Exception. This exception goes as follows: the best idea, which would normally be shunned and scoffed at, gains a certain liking from an important celebrity figure. And so it begins. We now have the perfect formula for the perversion of a great idea. Now that a celebrity has taken this idea as their own, a vast majority of the populace is sure to do the same. Not necessarily because they believe in the same idea, just because our aforementioned celebrity has done so. In our case, going green is no longer a way to preserve the environment. Nobody cares about diminishing oil levels in the earth and increased greenhouse gases in the atmosphere. Going green is instead now a way to be above the rest of your peers and one step closer to the celebrities that the American public worships for some unknown reason.

There you have it. The formula for the perversion of a great idea is complete. And, I must say, it worked beautifully! For example, the Toyota Prius is supposed to be the savior and poster boy for the going green movement. What’s not to love? A car that gets over 50 MPG! Fuck a turtle! That’s a lot of miles! But, there was a slight snag. This snag being the fact that people do not like to spend money. It turns out the battery that gives the Prius all those lovely extra miles to the gallon costs as much as… well, a couple hundred turtles. Which, don’t forget, you can fuck. Anyway, going green certainly plummeted on the Important List once everyone found out it was going to actually cost something. All hope was lost. That is until actor extraordinaire Leonardo DiCaprio bought and promoted the Prius. Once that happened, you could hear the money flying out of people’s pockets all across America! Money is no longer an object because you get to be cool as a result. “This guy is cool and he did it! That means I’ll be cool too!” Going green has officially lost its original meaning. People aren’t buying the Prius because they care about the environment. They’re buying it because they care about their social standing. If anyone actually did a little bit of research, they would find that the Prius is not all it has been cracked up to be. Did you know that the manufacturing process of those lovely NiMH batteries puts out a bit of Sulfur Dioxide into the atmosphere? Guess what? Sulfur dioxide is a greenhouse gas, and potentially more harmful to the atmosphere than the emissions from a car’s tailpipe. Like my dad always said, “Ain’t that a bitch?” It sure is, Pop. It sure is.

Just for the record, I am not a crazed fanatic of the going green movement. I’ll admit I do own a 2 door Toyota Yaris. But that’s because I saw the sticker price and MPG and thought, “Wow. That’s going to be a very affordable car!” See? I’m a regular American. I always put money at the top of the Important List. With regards to going green, I just feel that if you’re going to follow an ideology, follow it because you want to and because you believe in it. Not just so you can rise up another notch above the status quo. Oh, and don’t worry. The ride we just took through my article was powered entirely by solar panels. No pollutants there. I’m cool like that.

Until next time, I bid you farewell and hope you enjoy the rising gas prices as much as I do.

-Dan Fili

Text Messages From Dan

I'm going to preface this post by notifying everyone that this is sure to be a recurring segment here on Masturblog. See, when we're not making love to beautiful women or playing unbelievable guitar, Dan and I text each other a lot. Usually the texts range from hilarious to immature, and if I receive a particularly funny message from Dan, or we have a interesting back and forth, I'll post it here. Exactly as it was texted, unmodified and unedited. So without further ado...

Text messaged from Dan, received February 14th, 2008 - 4:52 pm:

"The term Baker's Dozen actually has an interesting back story. Back when the profession of baking was becoming popular, there were very strict requirements that had to be met. I won't go into the details of those requirements, save for one. You see, each baker was required to have at least a 12 inch penis. Now you see, an interesting phenomenon would take place a couple years after a baker would take up his position. After working so many hours in the hot oven areas of the shop, the baker's penis would eventually grow another inch due to the extra blood circulation caused by the heat. So, each baker that originally had a 12 inch phallus was now equipped with a 13 incher. These bakers were also widely regarded as the best bakers because their experience in the bakery was easy to see. In that way, 13 became the new dozen in the realm of baking."

- Eric.